Tag Archives: thinking

I will

1 Aug

I will:

  • always wear cardigans. even when it’s too hot.
  • break for squirrels
  • love pockets
  • never understand what this guy at Starbucks stares at.
  • know that I am a nerd, disguised by really big boobs and 5 inch heels
  • play dumb
  • eat weird food just to say I tried it.
  • always be ready for an adventure
  • hope someone will want to embark on an adventure with me
  • pretend that nothing said will hurt me
  • cry in the shower.
  • learn from my mistakes,
  • make more mistakes
  • do my best to keep positive about everything
  • love old houses
  • forget to think before I speak
  • always think that i need another pair of red high heels
  • dance
  • have self-esteem issues thanks to 5 fingers and my 4th toe
  • be healthier
  • smile even when I know you lie to me
  • always love.
  • play my music too loud
  • spend too much time on the phone
  • Think i’m sultry, and then realize how silly i must look.
  • think i’m an artist
  • be more intuitive than i’ll let on or you’ll give me credit for
  • drive when I am lonely
  • remember the day that I knew <3, but wouldn’t admit it to myself
  • always love matte lipstick, even though i’m scared to wear it, and just opt for lip gloss.
  • leap, even though i’ve never had a net.
  • wonder why i didn’t believe
  • always be a little scared about not being good enough for someone
  • be excited to see him
  • come across as incredibly narcissistic
  • pretend that I am the only one.
  • Always be curious.
  • feel invisible
  • expect him to kill spiders. especially the spring loaded ones.
  • be a little scared that I give too much of myself
  • be a little scared i don’t give enough
  • always be a little sad I left Nashville
  • Miss my room mate from Germany. I hope to see her again in the near future.
  • fear I will always compare myself
  • be happy just being me.

A letter to Love

21 Jan

I have been given a lot to think about in the past week. I have thought of everything from where I want to be 6 months from now, what type of relationship I want, if chances come again and if forgiveness is something other people possess.

Dear Love,

You scare me. You embody so many emotions other than your namesake. Sometimes…. you’ve lead me on, you mislead me, you make me cry, and you pass through lips haphazardly and bring me hope and joy. For the most part you give me sheer bliss, an appetite for all of life and happiness. I do suppose fools rush in, but you make it so easy. Why can’t you be fiery and hopeful at the same time? Why can’t you balance between two lovers and keep it steady? Why do you jump in and tell me how much I mean, and then shrink away when it seems all too tangible?

So now Love, I am scared out of my mind. I’ve been rash and expected too much from your offerings. I can’t work on you alone. I am hopeful, and forgiving, sad and feeling as though I am doing right and wrong at the same time. You’ve gained and lost me friends in the past, and I’m sure the future will be no different. I do know that when one door gets slammed in your face, another is surely bound to open in response…but a cracked and chained door with a really mean dog guarding it, isn’t what I had in mind. I’ve been lucky, as more than one door has opened. If two people are supposed to be together why make it so hard? But, then again, maybe they weren’t and maybe it wasn’t.

But, I am open to you and yet, I am closed. You have given me many beautiful experiences and I will forever cherish them. I cannot move as quickly as a could have before because of multiple circumstances that you have laid before me. So, everything is going very slowly and may even come to a halt, but I have to find out what is out there for me. I have to forgive myself and work on some things that I didn’t really know I needed to until a few days ago.

I have no idea what I’m doing, or where it leads, but I am walking through an open door without a chain, because I have to know.

Always hopeful- LailaAnn

Curiosity Kills the Cat

31 Dec

…in my case it causes the cat to over analyze, and then think that since the questions go unanswered that the cat has completely failed.

Okay, okay, I’m not really talking about a cat here…. I let emotion take over, I wasn’t thinking, I just was feeling. Which is my preference because I think WAY too much. When my rational side decided to show up for the party, I was just feeling the warmth, the breathing, listening to my own music.  Then I started to think at triple speed to make up for it’s absence.

Speaking of music, trying to explain to someone how I listen to music is very difficult. I don’t just hear it, I feel it, I let it consume me intentionally. I need music like I need water. When I can’t breathe, I let the rhythm dictate my respiratory rate.  When I need to just let go and let myself be me, when I need to remind myself of who I am, music lets me. I learn best with music, if I need to channel an emotion I use music. I don’t have to think, I just feel. I love to dance. I don’t care how it looks or what anyone else thinks about my technique, it makes me smile.

So just in case you care, here’s the playlist that I’ve been rockin’ the last few days.

  • Wolf Like Me – TV on the Radio*
  • Daylight – Matt & Kim
  • Bad Things – Jace Everette
  • Starstuck – Lady GaGa, Space Cowboy & Flo Rida
  • Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
  • Supermassive Black Hole – Muse
  • Electric Feel – MGMT
  • Again Again – Lady GaGa
  • The Seed (2.0) – The Roots & Cody Chestnutt
  • Symphonies – Dan Black

*Wolf Like Me: Pretty much for the past day I’ve listened to it probably 50 times if not more. I tried to describe it to someone who I’m not real certain of their musical preference, but I think it’s pretty wide range like mine. After running through a few terms that really didn’t accurately describe it once it came out, I settled upon “sinful” but it feels good. haha. But I just can’t get it out of my head, I feel a compulsion to listen to it over and over and over again.